You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
