there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
