So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
