I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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