My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
