She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
