if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
