I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
