I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize