I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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