this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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