Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
