Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
