She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
