oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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