Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
