i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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