i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
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I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
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I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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