On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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