Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
