What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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