girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
