Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
