dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
