shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
