you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
