She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
