I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
