note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
