he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
