why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
