Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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