if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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