life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
