he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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