if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
