textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
