you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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