Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
