Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
