I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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