he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
The best revenge is premature balding
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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