Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
