yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
