after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
