you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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