Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
