I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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