I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
