I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
