omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
