I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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