You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
