babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
