Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
