The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
