When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
